i cannot believe.
that
this friendship bracelet
has
survived.

almost
an entire year.

i have nightmares about losing it.
i have visions of what i can make it into when it finally falls off.
i have delusions.

delusions of its meaning.
of its worth.


why do i hang on?
to little things?

because it's the little things
in life.
in my life.
that make me feel whole.

still sick to my stomach.
and
lightheaded.
and
i have no idea what is going on.

my mom wanted me to go to the hospital.

instead.

i'm going out for drinks with danny terr.
it's been too long.

cryptic telephone conversation with my mother.
to see
if i went to the place.
to
pick up one of those things.
to
see if i am that.


this isn't happening.

something is wrong.
i haven't been feeling well.
for days.

i haven't been sleeping.
maybe 4-5 hours a night.

and

i blacked out in the shower.

bk
mtk
or
jazz show at
cornelia street cafe.

i would never show up there on a friday night.

dreary days and weeks
go by so quickly.

last night was smiles
and bouncing
at the mall
buying socks and dresses
and
eating grease and shakes
and
smoking fake cigarettes.

tonight i want
to be in brooklyn
listening
and
laughing
and
walking under an umbrella.

last night.

4:35 express.
to flatbush ave.
delayed 10 mins.

thinking about radio waves.
passing through my body.
and
if i would feel differently,
if i were in Glacier National Park.

connection at Jamaica.
and
sonic the hedgehog guy
won't leave me alone.

flatbush ave madhouse.
tap on the shoulder.
and
replacement umbrella.
and
i am happy.
so happy to be found.

through the hustle and bustle.
onto the D.
to Broadway Lafayette.

past Nolita House.
and
the Bowery Poetry Club.
and
risque billboards.

chickpea
and
a chilly Moon movie.
no gummy bears.

down Chrystie.
to Grand.
just like the night
at the Bowery Ballroom.

no seats on the train.
and
the stairs will be closed
for a month.

walk walk walk.
down President.
and
up stairs.

missed trains.
and
late night bagels.
and
a long walk.

singing bonnie raitt.

Bon Iver from Black Cab Sessions on Vimeo.

spit out by your mouth.
always thinking about it.

becoming new friends with an old friend.
is exhilarating.
fun times now.
fun times ahead.

sangriadruggedmovie.

planned road trip to cracker barrel.
dressing in 40's suits and dresses.

genius.

and tonight.
moon movie night.
train to Flatbush Ave.
4:35pm.
whoop!

it is a strange time for me.

too soon to say.

but

i am fully aware of the possibilities.

a melodica.
and one morning on the ocarina.
and
post-it notes above my bed.

creative energy
and
fun.