play Posted by Hello



you see, sometimes i say too much and it gets me in trouble. it's a mystery. i'd like to be mysterious, but, unfortunately, i'm often an open book. my pages are here, and everything seems so clearly stated...but don't be fooled. nothing is ever as it seems.
at any moment, of any given day, there is something bopping around in my head that no one will ever know about. now these little thoughts, memories, experiences are always different, new, old, good, bad, but i'll never tell. i'll hold onto them in my head to think about when i'm bored or lonely. they're my secrets. my desires. my dislikes. my fears. my version of near and distant futures and histories long gone by. i'm a dreamer. a daydreamer.
i'll give little hints here and there, in the form of vague blogs or sweet nothings. there are always hints. these hints are only for those who desire to decipher them. i'll never fully wear my heart on my sleeve. i like to keep certain things guarded. they're usually the things that, if ever revealed, could either bring extreme happiness or sadness. as long as they stay in my head i am safe from getting hurt. but on the other hand, i could be missing out. it's a chance i have to take. i'm sensitive.
i sort of like keeping these things in my head. i love desiring certain things, it makes me feel incredibly alive. the rush of emotions certain thoughts can elicit are, at times, overwhelming. i like to be overwhelmed with feeling.
some know me too well.
some know me too well, but think they know nothing.
some know very little, but think they know me well.
some know nothing.
i keep track.
i know who knows what, and what to let them know, and what not to tell.
i'm brutally honest. i'll let you know anything.
you just have to ask the right questions.


Grand Coulee Dam, Damn! Posted by Hello


screw saturday

now really, i've just figured it all out.

i really really have.

it's been years of wanting, and wanting, and not having, and it's so apparent that i'm crazy.
you always want what you can't have, we know this, we all know this. it works with everything. so, i spend my time trying to replace the one thing i can't have with many, many, things that i can have, in turn, boring the hell out of myself with empty substitutes.

now, i can't say that i haven't known this for a while. i have. and i'm pretty sure i've brought it up, at least once. perhaps thats where we would find the "gap in history." actually, i know that's where we've hidden it.

but there was one weekend, one dance, one walk, one friend, that made me remember what it feels like to truly truly desire. how pleasantly painfull it all was.

you always want what you can't have...that's goddamn right.


i feel prettier

a document on my trip to Pittsburgh (Beaver County, PA)

Friday 02/18: 12:00pm:
I left my house with the intent on hitting the supermarket and the bank before i hit the road. i spent quite a while at Stop n Shop looking for treats for the trip. I wound up purchasing some mixed nuts, 2 luna bars (chocolate pecan pie, of course), Crasins, and dried (sugared) pinapples. not entirely healthy, but a whole lot better than the Milano cookies I was eying. While checking out I realized that through the power of the debit card I could get cash right there at the register therefore cancelling out the necessary trip to the bank. I got 50 bucks, which now i realize, wasn't enough, and headed out. It was snowing huge flakes until I got westbound on the Southern State, which I'm not sure, but I think is really called the "Southern Parkway." Why I've always referred to it as the "Southern State" is beyond me, but I like it, so I shall continue to call it that for as long as I shall live.
Westward bound now it was 12:20pm. I listened to Suzy Radio from the moment I got into my car, well into Pennsylvania. The only confusion/traffic I faced was on the Cross Bronx Expressway, but after that it was smooth sailing. There was a little hesitation while trying to find 80, but i just kept hearing over and over in my head the 4 or 5 people that instilled in me that I must "STAY TO THE LEFT" after going thru the toll booth. I did, and I made it onto 80 without a hitch. Speaking of hitch, I'll get into that later.
I was making beautiful time when I my gas light came on at around 4pm. I found an exit with the little gas pump sign, indicating that this exit did, in fact, have a gas station, and got off. It was exit 185, I have no idea what town I was in. I had to pee, terribly, so I parked the car in a spot to the side of the gas mart, and quickly made my way inside to find that there was no one occupying the ladies room, thank heavens. I did my thing, and before exiting bought a "double espresso" in a can to keep my tired little eyes alert and on the road (rubber side down). The girl that checked me out was a sweetheart, and suddenly I had the Bouncing Souls "quickcheck girl" pleasantly bopping around in my head. Good tune.
So I got back into my car with the intent of pulling up to the pump to fill up, and as I was backing out of my spot there was this 20 something guy jumping around and waving to me like some kind of monkey. I laughed as I inched closer to him (he obviously thought I was leaving). I pulled up to the pump right next to him, and got out of the car. He walked over and apologized for making a fool out of himself, and told me he was extremely embarassed because he didn't expect me to stop. I reassured him that I didn't mind and I found it quite humorous. He then told me he just thought I was "pretty" and wanted to see if he could get my attention. I told him he did a good job. He then asked me where I was headed, and I told him to Pittsburgh. He thought I was nuts because I still had a good 3 hour drive ahead of me. He sweetly asked me if I thought he was cute, and of course I said yes, who can resist a guy in a skull cap and carharts? He told me that he "fixed cows feet" like a veternarian, but he didn't go to school for it. He was so sweet and genuine. He then asked me if I knew anything about upstate new york, and I told him I went to school for a year at Oswego. He was shocked because he grew up in Utica. He said it was destiny...how adorable. He said it was "nice to meet me" and he was very gentleman like throughout the entire conversation. Needless to say, he made me smile. I left the gas station with a grin, and a perkiness that was lost more than 3 hours earlier. I felt rejuvinated and strangly satisfied. It's nice to be called "pretty." Damn, it was cute.
After that I walzed with numerous 18 wheelers as they beeped their airhorns, flashed their lights, and waved to me. Of course I waved back, it must be hell to drive all day like that, I'd like to give'em a little thrill, even if it's just a silly wave.
Finally, in record time, I arrived in Chippewa where I met my brother at the pizza place he works at. To my surprise there he was, full mustache, and scraggly beard. now when I say scraggly, it's because he can't grow a "full" beard, so it looks damn silly. I barrated him to the fullest extent for the entire weekend, I mean, he looks like mario from the bros. haha.
we went to his apartment, i showered, and we went out to a bar named Sal's. We met his coworker Kiel, and Kiels friend Matt, and we sat at the bar and bullshitted about tattoos (Matt's completely covered) and entrepruneurship. We bought gold shamrocks to fight muscular distrophy and watched the bartender tape them up center stage on the bar. I played a few songs on the juke box (LA Woman, Say Goodbye, Suzy-Q, and The Scientist). I was thankfull that mine got played, so to take a break from the constant country music and odd brittney spears songs.
We left Sals (I was drunk) and made our way to the IMBS (some Italian club). Kiel and Matt were members, and knew the waitress, who was about to close, but kept the bar open just for us. I don't remember purchasing any more alcohol, but somehow I always had a beer or a shot sitting on the bar. Needless to say, I was wasted. We played some pool, shot the shit, and played some good tunes. The bars close at 2am here, so that's when we left. We sang "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5 on the whole drive home, which is about the only thing I remember of it.
I was asleep by 3am...onward to Saturday...


I feel pretty

oh so pretty

I got a Gmail account. I feel special. It's nice. Gmail is greatness.

I'm off to Pittsburgh for the weekend. I'm so excited to see my bro, he's so much fun.

I got Nabokov's Lolita on cd for the drive, not to be listened to, of course, until every Suzy Radio cd has had it's fair share of air time. I'm sure I'll wind up listening to my 6 cd set for the entire ride and completely forget about my Russian of the moment, Nabokov that is.


word a day

today's word is shhh...

not a word you say? more of a sound? yes, as a matter of fact it is more of a sound. perhaps it should have been the word of the day yesterday for "sound effects tuesday." but i think it fits better with today...a little too much conversation, and no action. ouch.
today i was thinking about how strange it is that i live in the same house with my sister, and we wake up at the same time every morning, yet we never, ever, cross paths. now the house is not very big, and i always hear her doing her thing, but, since living here, i haven't ran into her once in the morning. odd. she finds it equally as odd, as we had a brief emailing about it earlier.
i worked hard today. as opposed to the days when i hardly work...today was a productive one. now it could be in part due to my boss being in. or it could be because there were constant meetings going on in the office and i felt like i needed to project a "busy" image. but i got a hell of a lot done. now what the hell am i gonna do tomorrow?
Steven Colbert is quickly becoming my favorite TV personality. Jon Stewart will always be my husband, but that Colbert, he's a comic hunk.

Rick just found me on line. Rickterfuge, which is weird, because I just wore my subterfuge sweatshirt on Valentine's Day for the first time in years. I think Rick was the last guy to make me a mixed cd...until just recently. Good times. He's the greatest drummer ever. so quick. good friend, good times, lots of whiffle ball, lots of sugar. fun fun.
meanwhile, back at the ranch. i've been feeling very lethargic lately. I'm gonna go rest up. I have an 8 hour trip to pittsburgh to make in a couple days...gotta be ready.


the end of days

life ain't easy for a boy named sue.

i'm glad that i got my old computer up and running again. I have the clunkiest keyboard. so loud, tap, tap, tap-tap. so much is going on, i don't feel like recording all of it though.

i've been in contact with Johnny K. it's been years, literally. he's well, and i'm happy for him. he's always going to be him...and i'm glad that'll never change. we've written some lengthy emails, and caught up a little bit. he helped me out today with the computer that he built me. i really needed the help, and i'm so lucky that he was glad to offer, and then some. i'm happy he doesn't hate me.

i've also been in contact with soup's on john. he asked me to be his valentine, which is funny, because we were always each others valentine, regardless of who we were dating. he got me the cutest "book worm" pen last year. it lit up all pink and red. how adorable. he wants me to join a poker game tonight, we'll see. he'll never let me spend a dime, so maybe i should just go and lose all of his money. at least i'd be in good company.

i spent last night at the apartment. seeing david like that tears me to shreds. needless to say i was home and in bed by 11. if it were only a little easier...

i'm not a heartbreaker.

i accidentally break hearts.


forget it

a very wise man once told me i was building myself up to be let down. although he shall remain nameless, he's very trustworthy and i take heed to his advice whenever he throws some at me. so why this time sooz? why did you disregard it this time? Saturday boy knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. or a good amount of the time. i guess i get caught up in the illusion of purity that is usually slapping me across the face at the same time i'm embracing it. him. whomever.
and so it goes. and now goes it. it was nice. it was good. it was nice and good and all of the other disgusting words people use because they are too caught up in something they think is IT, when they should really be spending some quality time on their vocabulary.
now that i have time for vocabulary, i need to learn some good words...yep, some good, nice words. see, as much as i try i can't escape them. i guess there's still something running around in my head that is keeping me attached to those 4 letter words. i could think of some better 4 letter words at this time, but i'll spare everyone (myself) of the lewdness.
oh me.
just another day in not-so-paradise-like life.
i need a pet.



things have took a turn...nasty, nasty, nasty turn. phoey.

double standards are tricky. and unpleasant.

i'm thinking of going on a trip to see the greatest person i know...my brother. i miss him and his clever wit. he should be good medicine for this bug i've gotten recently, i think it's called fooloticulitus or something of that seemingly unhumorous nature.

bleh. emails and phone calls aren't eliciting the same response. i'm easily forgotten.



so little sleep, so many dreams...dreams of a night that never ends.
dry lips even chapstick can't repair.


long weekend

there's something about this weekend that feels like it's lasted a month. it may just be the fact that i called in sick on friday, or the longing and missing of one particular person, or the anticipation of seeing old friends, or, hell, who knows...i like it though.
first saturdays at the brooklyn museum. who knew it would be so much fun? i can't wait to go again...but with better company. don't get me wrong, the company i was with was great. but there was something missing. something sweet. you could tell by my constant daze that there was something on my mind other than the loud brazilian drums and the enormous amount of laughter and enjoyment that surrounded me. suzy, suzy, suzy...how you've let yourself come undone.
i've immersed myself in it, in him...and it feels so good.



I've suddenly fell ill. Now when I say fell, i mean litterally...i'm so damn dizzy i can barely stand up. driving home from work should be a trip.
Well, better now then last night...because last night was too fun to be sick.



oh what can i say about p b & j?
the meal that i have at least once a day,
it's sticky and sweet and creamy and cold
it makes me not care that my bread is covered in mold,
it satisfies and is a healthy alternative to junk
but there is one thing, the p b must have chunks,
for p b that's smooth is not quite as great
and my raspberry preserves deserve the best mate,
but, alas, i admit that i will not discriminate
for p b & j is my lunchtime escape,
now my stomach is happy and the protein will keep me strong
if only i could eat p b & j all day long.


i've fallen in love with joanna newsom. it's more of an obsession. man-o-man can she rock out on the harp like no other. her voice is piercing, yet oh-so-scrumptious and titillating. her words are witty and golden and silly and raw and unaltered and alive and solid. i'm so, so glad that dearest jeffrey opened my eyes to this surprising, refreshing, not-anything-in-the-world-like-it, music. fantastic.
in other news...the rent is due. yep, that time of the month. I'm thinking February will be a good one. I don't want to get too excited about it though, and then have high expectations which could just spell disaster. but it will be good, i declare, i'll make it good. hell, look at all we have to look forward to in this glorious month...more snow, lame greeting card holidays, homage day to past presidents (never the current)...CARNIVAL!, and MARDI GRAS! (if only i were going), and you know, all the small stuff involved in the daily grind. perhaps i think this month with be good because it's short. short but sweet. yep.
in more interesting news, i have re-kindled some very well missed relationships with old friends. i shall be visiting with tabron this weekend at his Brooklyn abode. he promised to take me out for some hot chocolate, or tea, or something, that he said would make me want to melt. i can't believe it's been over 2 years. it should be awkward, yet great...we've always coexisted so well. i can't wait to hear his new music and read his genius rants and rhymes. he may be the most genuine guy i know. needless to say, i'm happy we can get together. it'll be good company for the both of us, i think. maybe we'll catch a movie, like old times. we'll see.
I really enjoy wearing button down shirts. they make me feel sexy, but i'm sure they only make me look boyish. oh well, they feel good on my skin, and they go nicely with a comfy cardigan. i have what my father calls my "grandma sweater" on today. it's so so so nice. nice is an appropriate word for it, absolutely.
i've hardly made a dent in my dunkin' donuts coffee. i should have never went for the cream, bad choice...i don't know what made me do it, i've been on a strict black diet for so long. i was in a sexy mood this morning, perhaps it added some sex appeal to my coffee...mmmmm.
ahhh, work schmerk. i like being here alone. i like i more when i get fun phone calls from good people...so call me.