i want.

his hand on my thigh.

and

his scent on my skin.

and

his lips upon mine.

i had vivid dreams.
about vampires.
and
trees.
and
sex.

i wonder.
if that conversation was real.

or

if i was dreaming.

because

Monday night.
can't come soon enough.

Met's v. Nationals.


rooting for the home team.

missed the second half of the game.
while
on a hunt for pink cotton candy.

ending up
on a ramp.
wearing hats and hoods.

turned it into a beer garden.

overlooking cars
and
searching for UFO's
and
airplane fly overs.

it was about time.

bird is dead.

sometimes you can't leave things to

hope.


sometimes
believing in things will get you nowhere.

nowhere.

but
waking up
to a dead bird.

lunchbreak love.

at the park.

it the big white car next to mine.


an elderly couple. passing a cell phone, back and forth. speaking to a child perhaps? a grandchild? an old friend?

it doesn't matter.

all that matters were the smiles on their faces.
and
the idea that love can last a lifetime.

never wake up too sure of anything.

that's the best way to be disappointed.





i couldn't sleep last night.
probably because i spent the weekend awake and dreaming.

it's amazing.
how much i believe in true love.

through heartache.

through everything.
all
that has been so hard.



i still wait.

phone call on friday.

and

i'm dancing in the shower again.

and

singing in the living room.
at the top of my lungs.
with the window open.



he's hearing voices
and
i'm shouting from the tops of mountains.

i mean it.

all of it.



got an email about a festival on the LES this weekend.



i went to the site.

and you were there.









i can't escape.

there are places i want to be.
other places.
most of the time.

and there are things that i want to hear.
other things.
from someone else.

most of the time.

and there are things that i want to say.
things that i don't want to disguise.

with one word sentences
and
audible day dreams.


directed.
at you.

kick in the stomach every single time you appear.

the little box on my desktop
and
in my phone.

and i look.
and look.
and look.
and wait.

and look.

until you disappear.

or.

when your arms fall off.

I wonder.
How many people.
Know.
What it feels like.
When.
Your heart explodes.

green dinosaurs.

two. on the cover of a book.

then.

one. on the side of the road.



it all means something.
or
i'll make it mean something.
i'm good at that.

long.weekend.

friday:

meet Paul.
broadway/lafayette.
walk down bleeker.
past le poisson rouge.

bambeleo.
bam bowl ee ohhh.
nachos.
flaming lips.
sex machine.

"it's a true story"

supposed to meet up with malina.
sullivan street metal show.
no luck.
or
luck.

over to alphabet city.
lakeside.
meet up with Reuben.
and
Elise.
and
other canadians.

Paul and I get stumped by the juke box.
again and again.
then
Elvis
and
Johnny Cash.
from a bartenders iPod.

photobooth shenanigans.
and
Stella.

sleeping on the subway.
4amish.

saturday:

early wake-up.

meet Kashata for brunch.
The Essex.
bloody mary's and bar side chats.
about boys.
and
love.

ilfy. text.
gave me the shakes.
impeccable timing.
keeps me going.

french toast with banana sauce.
coffee.
and
low talking.

get to St. Marks just in time.
3rd annual Dance Parade.
hot pink spandex unicycle man.
pheasant and cockle on my back.

acrobats in Tompkins Square Park.
fading Suzy.

back uptown for a nap.
and
butterflies in my stomach.

not the good kind.

two hours turn around time.

back downtown.
Piola magician.
Kashata and her phone charging requests.
and
handbag defense video planning.

Webster Hall.
free show courtesy of the alternate side.
The Naked Cowgirl. (!!!)
and
Peaches.
7 wardrobe changes.
hanging off the balcony.
and
cursing up a storm.

back to Union Square.
and
the L.
to Willy-b.

stopped in the Lovin' Cup.
for
a PBR and a shot of whiskey.
$5
memories of the Bon Iver show.
with him.

Public Assembly.
dance party.
and
go go dancing.
and
passing out at the bar.

the L back to Union Square.
where.
i saw them.
across the platform.
and
cried.

back to the UES.
to
get rained on.
and
run.

sunday:

breakfast on Laguardia.
silver spur.
with Reuben, Elise and Astiaj.

nachos and eggs.

best buy.
on 86th.
right out of the subway.

smoothie.


home.
bath.
Magic.
aim.

and

bad dreams.

union square platform.
2am.

i watched them.
his hand on her lower back.
her smile so bright.
they kiss. kiss. kiss.

do they know
what i know

about love?



i hope that they do.

But now I will give up
on this wall that we have fought with,

never uncover meaning
behind our rich words.

going.
coming.

staying the weekend.

if i ever.

get another tattoo.

it would be.

a park bench.
or
a row boat.
or
a vonnegut quote.
or

a nickel being eaten by abraham lincoln while he's high fiving the devil.

on fate.

if we never meet
then
i never have to lose you.

i need a time machine.

Fun is how you make it
not where you make it
so take it.

the days are growing longer.

and longer.

and

i will be so un-busy soon.




more time to fixate.

more time to wish.
and hope.
and wish.
across drawbridges.
for
more
wishes.

4:06 express.
meet at E. Houston and Chrystie.
cigarettes.
Mercury Lounge.
complementary beer.
the postelles.
shaka in the grey suit and hat.
smokin' stamp.
pela.
multiplying canadians.
spitzers.
truffle. panko. mac & cheese.
magic hat #9.
welcome to the johnsons.
pbr.
couch.
judaism lesson.
angela and charlie.
and weirdo fruit striped guy.
home sweet home.
and
hanging on chrystie.
walk.walk.walk.

alone on the streets of ny.
past rivington and loreley.

smoking canadian cigarettes.

Union Square is under construction.

as am i.
there are so many things.
to take into consideration.

and

i don't want to think about any of them.


it is spring.
squirrels are knocking leaves into my falafel.

on a bench.
on the opposite side of the park.

and there are smiles. all around.



it becomes more than my imagination.

Stolen goods.

Crackers for my car.

Card and giftbag allinone.

i haven't been sleeping.




yet





i feel awake.



looking forward to the weekend.



throw me in the fire now, c'mon.

i received a package in the mail.

and

i fell to the floor.

in a trembling fever.
as
the rug soaked up the tears.

and my stomach exploded.

"don't give up"

:)

Best. Gift. Ever.
Big smiles.

last night, trying to fall asleep

i thought about what i would grab if there was a fire.

my list was short.

dylan.
and
one shoebox.
full of proof.
of a fading existence.

i'm good at believing.
i'm good at wishing.
at hoping.

i'm good at holding on.

i'm good at pretending.


i'm good at believing.

it's easy to believe.
when.
i'm the protagonist.
in

our fiction.

some mornings.
driving to work.

i see myself just going.
on and on and on.
forever.

not stopping.

not necessarily an escape.

not to get lost.
but
to get found.

rain.
rain.
rain.
cat stevens.
mashed potato burrito.
corona.
Cinco de Mayo. one day early.
moon talk.
time traveling to 1954.
book revue.
two books.
Rainer Maria Rilke.
Special Topics in Calamity Physics.

previously looked for the Dylan Thomas book I cannot locate.

tours of a forgotten town.
rain.
rain.
wrong turns.
short cigarettes.
cat stevens.

dan the projectionist's car.
water?
box office chats.
lady with the see through shirt.
Treeless Mountain.
no music.
just singing.
in Korean.

rain.
rain.
Daft Punk.
too tired to dance.
rain.

yarn. donut. pig with headphones.
still life.

rain.
rain.
LIE overpass.

rain.
bon iver.
ray lamontagne.
bob dylan.

and every song that reminds me of you.

every morning.
7:40 rolls by.
silently.

i wish i could sleep forever.

Maude: A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.

the weekend kept me busy.
my mind.

birthday.
sleep.
walk.
sleep.
gallery.
sleep.
clean.
sleep.
laundry.
movie.
sleep.
sleep.
sleep.

my 11:11 wishes did not come true.
and i wished with all of my might.

it's about knowing.

just knowing that it's right.

and hanging onto that.
forever.

Friday rain makes me think of a bench in Union Square.

Full of crackheads
and
Love.