still sick to my stomach.
and
lightheaded.
and
i have no idea what is going on.

my mom wanted me to go to the hospital.

instead.

i'm going out for drinks with danny terr.
it's been too long.

cryptic telephone conversation with my mother.
to see
if i went to the place.
to
pick up one of those things.
to
see if i am that.


this isn't happening.

something is wrong.
i haven't been feeling well.
for days.

i haven't been sleeping.
maybe 4-5 hours a night.

and

i blacked out in the shower.

bk
mtk
or
jazz show at
cornelia street cafe.

i would never show up there on a friday night.

dreary days and weeks
go by so quickly.

last night was smiles
and bouncing
at the mall
buying socks and dresses
and
eating grease and shakes
and
smoking fake cigarettes.

tonight i want
to be in brooklyn
listening
and
laughing
and
walking under an umbrella.

last night.

4:35 express.
to flatbush ave.
delayed 10 mins.

thinking about radio waves.
passing through my body.
and
if i would feel differently,
if i were in Glacier National Park.

connection at Jamaica.
and
sonic the hedgehog guy
won't leave me alone.

flatbush ave madhouse.
tap on the shoulder.
and
replacement umbrella.
and
i am happy.
so happy to be found.

through the hustle and bustle.
onto the D.
to Broadway Lafayette.

past Nolita House.
and
the Bowery Poetry Club.
and
risque billboards.

chickpea
and
a chilly Moon movie.
no gummy bears.

down Chrystie.
to Grand.
just like the night
at the Bowery Ballroom.

no seats on the train.
and
the stairs will be closed
for a month.

walk walk walk.
down President.
and
up stairs.

missed trains.
and
late night bagels.
and
a long walk.

singing bonnie raitt.

Bon Iver from Black Cab Sessions on Vimeo.

spit out by your mouth.
always thinking about it.

becoming new friends with an old friend.
is exhilarating.
fun times now.
fun times ahead.

sangriadruggedmovie.

planned road trip to cracker barrel.
dressing in 40's suits and dresses.

genius.

and tonight.
moon movie night.
train to Flatbush Ave.
4:35pm.
whoop!

it is a strange time for me.

too soon to say.

but

i am fully aware of the possibilities.

a melodica.
and one morning on the ocarina.
and
post-it notes above my bed.

creative energy
and
fun.

hot pink pants.
talking to a swan.
beethoven
and
a soft breeze.

Giraffe Moose & Octopus. Kissing heart bubbles.

yousaid
always
and
forever.

and
i
believedyou.

everything was beautiful,
and nothing hurt.


i have become unstuck in time.

sometimes i laugh out loud.
head in hands, shaking back and forth.

sometimes i burst into tears.
thinking about honesty and deceit.

sometimes i get confused.
by an email.
or
a
g-chat.
or
a
text.

about what it is that you really want to know.

because i've told you everything.

a computer is a very powerful thing.

and

i am the best internet detective.



it's all so unfortunate.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want
To dance
with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - life is our cause
When I think of your kisses
My mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see
How you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
Its the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

Want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

All I Want.
Joni Mitchell

it doesn't matter.

california.
new york.
connecticut.

why must you lie?

spent the morning
reading
poems from old lovers.

and

trying to remember that person.




the one they were talking about.

now this
is
a
love story.

there is a time and a place for everything.

this is not the time.

here is not the place.

i am no stranger to

this feeling.


feelings big and small that come and go and leave you both
satisfied and confused.

and you wait.

in the front cover of books.

and you wait.

laying on the bed playing the melodica.

and you wait.

on a subway with a woman asleep next to you.

and you wait.

watching the tallest man on earth.

and you remember.

everything.

but

you forget the umbrella.

taking a giant leap.

and

feeling good about it.

i'll be your rebound.

i'll be your muse.



that's all that i ever am.

i'd rather be
on a submarine
under the sea.

stunning.
shots.

here

made me smile.

smile, big.

spent an hour.
crying.
on the couch.
and
in the shower.
where
you can't tell if they are tears.
until
you taste the salt.

even when i'm honest.
things manage to get fucked.


everything happens for a reason.

i suppose.

guy reading the obituaries on the train.
stop.
at east new york.
heavy eyelids.
from.
a bottle of wine.
starts with a "z".
at city winery.
celebrating a birthday.
with big smiles.
and
interestingness.

words have different meanings.

when uttered by someone else.

there's nothing worse than seeing a friend in tears.

24 hour animal clinics are not a place i like to frequent. so much sadness there. i still don't understand it. how the cat cried the whole way there. how she was so alive one minute. then. gone. i cannot bear to see the people that i love when they are in pain. it makes my heart hurt and my eyes burn.

it makes you reflect on what is important in life.
it makes you think about the people you love.

it makes you wonder why texts go unanswered.
but.
it makes you grateful for the ones that are.

a few amazing things:

.morning wake-up calls.
.chipwhiches.
.strawberry banana smoothies.
.being a member of the alternate side and getting invited to free shows. with a plus-one.
.sneaky emails.
.watching wes anderson movies.
.skanking.
.the word "kismet".
.NBA finals! Go Magic!!.

life is good.

the morning after is always the same.

sweet.
and
full of hyperbole.

then.
just like that.

back to reality.

i've been trying to deny this all morning.
but
i couldn't sleep.
because
i kept having dreams
that
i was pregnant.



???

who put those ideas in my head?

i could barely sleep last night.
because i didn't want the dream to end.

i wish it were groundhogs day.
so it could be re-played over and over.

forever.

and this way.
there will be no trip to california.
or
waking up at 4:40am to call.

and

there will be no more
doubt.

because when it is live.
it is real.

i just might explode.

today.

at 1:15pm.