i have the urge to curse a lot.

because i just realized that it's been two years.




two goddamn years.


shitfucker.

these are the numbers.

8.8.08.4.11.10.6.25.10.



these are the blues.



these are the nights that have gone unruined.
by phonecalls.
and
capital letter texts.


these are my hands.
and
this is my heart.
and
this is my brain.




11:11 wishes.
and
nights on long island.



i think i'm ready now.

i want to believe you.

this is.
you are.
i cannot believe.


voicemails from private numbers render me incapable of finishing sentences.




from drunkards.

drunkards who speak about love like they know what it is.
or
they know how it feels.
or
they
might
remember that time
when
it
was
almost
real.

before the lies.


but i was on a bench with someone else.
and
my phone was still on silent from the movie.
and
i didn't notice the missed calls until 2am.
when
i just knew that they were from you.
and
my heart raced.
and
i began to shake.
and
i blamed it on the cigarettes and the coffee and my nerves.
even though

i'm not as good of a liar as you.



it's funny how the universe works.
with its benches.
and
its way of making you always yearn to be


someplace else.

each of us lives alone, in our own world of meaning.

there is something.
in boxes.
and
in dreams.
and
hanging positively on 4th street.


it rests in my gurgling gut.
and
it reminds me that it's there.

with a sharp pain.
a twist.
of fate.



it is all lies.
it was only ever lies.


but


it was the only thing.
i
ever believed in.

i saw the antlers wednesday night.
open for the national.
at radio city.

incredibleincredible show.
hospice is one of my top 5 albums from this past year.
his voice is lovely and haunting and piercing.

this week.

sat. - mystery science apartment. more to come.
sun. - renegade craft fair. mccarren. reading on the lawn. met myles. got caught in a storm. dylan jumped out of my bag and spilled my beer at the turkey's nest. manhattan inn for dinner. kickball.
mon. - rocks off boat cruise. reub's band. statue of liberty. perfect night on the water. fun walk/ride on the L home with new friends.
tues. - bro's birthday dinner. 3 legged giraffe. my mother and i dropping everything and having laughing fits in target. going through my father's cd collection.
wed. - reub cooked me an amazing vegetarian feast. i'm the luckiest.
thurs. - made a new friend that lives in ft. greene. drove her home. got rained on in the mcgolrick dog run.

this weekend i intend on reading (just kids, patti smith) for my book club, celebrating birthdays, and playing in the park.

i've been listening to clem snide's "nothing is over, not yet" on repeat for the past hour.

time to take a walk.

those dreams.
are back.


and

i am unable.
to sleep.


no matter how much i change.
my mind.
reverts.

back to a time when things were so certain.